Insights on Being

A young man’s journey to find himself

          My name is Victor. I am 23 years old and currently in my second senior year at Texas A&M University. My major is Bio-Environmental Science and I plan to graduate in the fall of 2015. I am interested in ecological relationships between plants and microorganisms, and greatly concerned about our planet’s overall health, in particular the growing concern with water shortages. This is why I am leaning in the direction of river ecology or desalination.

          Growing up I made good grades and was very active in sports. I liked sports because they gave me a single focus. I knew the goal and I would do what was necessary to get to it. I still play basketball to this day about 5 times a week. Growing up I didn’t have many friends that I could hang out with. I lived out in the hill country of central Texas. I believe this is why I have always been drawn to the outdoors and nature. All I remember was running around in the forest and the fields, always moving.

          I began to change during my senior year of high school and more so in college. The choices that I was making became substantially different. My interest in school, sports and other activities was lost. During my first semester of college I took my new found freedom to do whatever I wanted. I had little or no regard for what choices I made or how they would affect my life. Deep down I didn’t feel my value, and I felt as though I was missing out in life. So I did what I thought would be fun or cool.

          I found a group of friends who were just as lost as I was and we drank alcohol and smoked weed every day. I halfheartedly went to my classes at first but soon found myself not going at all. I felt cool at first. I was somehow drawing my power from my friends and believing that I was happy. Soon the end of the year came around and many of my friends had to drop out. I was on the edge with academic probation and should have been kicked out because of my poor grades. Nothing changed in the following semesters. I convinced myself and my parents that I was fine, that I was getting my act together and that I was doing well in school. Yet each semester would end and my grades would be subpar to failing because I had done nothing but drink, smoke, and sometimes take more intense drugs. I couldn’t stop the lying, I couldn’t stop the drugs, and it began to rip me apart inside and out. I remained in this limbo for a few years, trying to convince myself that I would get it together. I didn’t change a thing, and to my surprise my life only got worse.

          My childhood was fairly stable. It wasn’t what you would call normal, but stable is really all you could ask for. I realize now that my adolescent behavior was rooted in these early childhood years. I felt very different from other kids and just did not fit in. I didn’t feel like I was worth anything. I wanted to be liked and so I found that being the good boy would get me acceptance and attention. I acted the good boy for my mom, my dad, and my teachers. I felt loved and accepted. Still it wasn’t enough. I wanted the kids to like me too. I would compete with them, try to be nice to them, and if that didn’t work I would even fight them. Basically, I was experimenting with what would make people like me, and I found that different people responded to different actions. So I would act differently around each person depending on what I thought would get them to like me. Most often I would act similar to the person who I wanted to be accepted by. I felt invested in their lives because I believed that they were in some way a part of me. I got very good at it. For a young person I was a master manipulator. The result of splitting my personality into many different people was that I lost my sense of self. This led me to being in a constant state of anxiety. I was never fully satisfied with myself. After living this way for several years I lost touch with the real me. Was I the good boy, was I the competitor, the fighter, the cool kid, the smart kid or none of the above? I honestly had no idea who I was. I never addressed this issue in my high school years and now college was on the horizon. I soon discovered that things would become more complicated.

          I wanted to stop the anxiety, stop the feeling of being trapped in this awkward person that I had become. I found that I felt better if I drank alcohol, or numbed myself by smoking pot. I liked it and soon found that I preferred to be drunk or high rather than face myself and my responsibilities. While I was high the pain was gone. I was free, with no worries about who I was. The people around me seemed to accept me the way I was, this broken unconsolidated mass of weird ideas and beliefs. So I kept tumbling further and further from reality until I was truly on the edge of seriously hurting myself.

          During my 4th year at A&M, I found myself going to 1 or 2 classes a week. Then halfway through the semester I realized I had skipped an exam day. I had missed multiple labs that I needed in order to pass my chemistry class. I wasn’t prepared for any of my tests coming up. So I smoked more pot. I had given up completely. This really started to confuse me because a part of me was screaming. It was screaming to wake up and salvage what I could from the semester, but I still did nothing. I couldn’t move. I wanted to stop smoking because I knew it wasn’t helping my situation, but I couldn’t stop. It was finally coming into focus that I had a serious problem and the drugs were just the tip of the iceberg. Admitting to my mom that I had a problem and needed help was the first step that I took to get my life together. I made the decision to withdraw from all my classes for the semester and to not go back to college until I had my life together. I was fortunate to have my family to turn to during this time because it was necessary for me to leave everything behind. I left my friends, my job, my college and the drugs. I went home to find out who I truly was and why I had these deep feelings of not being enough.

          I wanted to get better and I knew that this was not going to be easy. Fortunately, I had many different avenues that helped me with my healing process. There were two that I found to be the most valuable. First, I created a journal that I made a commitment to write a whole page into every day. It quickly became very easy and therapeutic because it gave me an outlet. On the pages I could see the pent up rage and resentment I had toward different people including myself and writing about it relieved a lot of that pressure and cleared my mind.

          The second valuable change I made was that I committed to volunteer at a horse ranch that helped special needs children. I spent 2 days a week at the ranch helping children ride horses as part of their therapy. This gave me a sense of calm that I had never felt. I wanted to be calm during college but I never slowed down enough to experience it. Further the experience of helping these children gave me a sense of value. I had something to offer that was meaningful to someone outside myself.

          Change however does not come so simply. I also went to counseling sessions every other week. Speaking to someone who you do not know about the most difficult issues in your life may seem weird but is really helpful because they can give unique insight into your problems. I soon discovered that honesty was my biggest problem. Beyond the drugs and other issues, I was a compulsive liar. I was completely honest to my therapist and it made me want to be honest with everyone in my life. He helped me immensely with addressing all of my addictions and developing a plan for how to approach my future.

          Besides counseling I spent my time exercising and reading books. I began to rediscover the things that I really enjoyed. I love being active and I love learning new things. Some of the books I read were self-help books such as Letting Go by Dr. David Hawkins, which I highly recommend because for me it showed how living from my mind was distorting my reality. Dr. Hawkins’ book allowed me to identify the level of consciousness that I was operating and stuck in, and how to let go of the underlying issues and move into higher consciousness. Other books I read during this time were Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda and As a Man Thinketh by James Allen. Both of these books were written by men who were in complete control of their destinies. These were great books for me to resonate with during this transition. The final and possibly the most important book that has made an impact during my transition is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I believe that reading A New Earth offers the best comparison of what the world seems to be and what it really is. This perspective opened the space for me to change. My participation at two Circle Retreats was integral to my understanding of the basis of my issues. The weekend long process made a real impact on my ability to let go of the past and to embrace the now.

          I still had to make more changes. I started to eat healthier which I found gave me more energy. I liked working out and this became part of my daily routine. I got a part time job at PETCO which I enjoyed because I like animals, instead of just working for the money. All of these things made me happier and relieved my stress. Another huge part of my week was that every couple of days I could sit down with my Mom and talk about the progress that I was making, even if it wasn’t big strides. I was fortunate to have someone to talk with through the transition because it helped me to reflect on new insights, the changes I was making and my overall progress. Talking helped immensely whenever I found myself being stagnant.

          I developed a general daily routine which included waking up at a reasonable time, meditating when I woke up and again when I went to sleep. Other daily activities that I enjoyed were spending time with my dog and cat and working out. All of these meaningful changes that I made in my daily life gave me a sense of calm within that healed the underlying issues that previously caused me to turn to drugs. I wanted more out of life, and I learned that I didn’t need anything outside of myself to tell me I was important. I was getting to know myself and was comfortable with who I was.

          One of the most valuable lessons I learned was about letting go. I was holding onto who I thought I was. I was holding onto emotions that I could have outgrown during my childhood years. I had to let go of these emotions that were weighing me down and preventing me from growing. I am now only concerned with the choices that I make today. I have learned to accept myself for who I am in the present. It is only when I reached this acceptance of myself that I was able to live out the person that I wanted to be. I now know that I cannot influence other people and that accepting them for who they are is the easiest way for me to be happy. In the end because I am myself and I accept them for who they are, people are comfortable with me.

          However the most important lesson I learned was about honesty. I had lied about who I was to the point that I didn’t know myself. I had lied to my closest family and friends that I nearly lost them all. Lying completely crushes you from the inside out. It is the single thing that has made me a happier person. I no longer pretend to be friends with people who I can’t relate with. I am able to tell people what I really feel and they respond with sincerity. Life is better with honesty because you no longer need to hide who you are. I am me, and that is just fine.

          I have just completed my first semester back at A&M. My grades were the best I have had during my time in college. I made new friends who are more aligned with the real me. I am grateful for the lessons that life has brought me. I learned from my mistakes, and I know that these life experiences have made me who I am today. It’s exciting to know that I have the ability to choose how I live my life and to live it freely.

*****

For screenings in your area check:

http://www.awaketheyoganandamovie.com/screenings/

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BEYOND RIGHT AND WRONG:
STORIES OF JUSTICE AND FORGIVENESS

Click the link below to watch the movie:

http://beyondrightandwrong.com/

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Conversation with J, a teen who committed suicide

          The following two conversations are with a young lady who at the age of 16, committed suicide. The initial conversation was done two years ago, just a few months after her transition. It is clear that she is still trying to sort out what happened and to explain her reasons for going this path. The second conversation was just a couple of months ago nearing the second anniversary of her transition. It is deep and insightful and clearly expresses her awareness of what she must do to move on with her life and spiritual evolvement.

          It is interesting to note that in the initial reading she is wearing a crown of flowers on her head which she wants her Mom to notice. She also talks about not being able to breathe in the world of her imagination before the suicide. Her mother later explained to me that shortly before her transition, she had made flowers for her daughters to wear on their hair for a wedding. J chose not to wear her flowers. Her mother also mentioned that J often said she “couldn’t breathe” even though there was no physical cause for this.

Reading with J

September 9, 2012

          I reach out to the Light Beings in an effort to connect with J who recently transitioned to spirit. Her mother wishes to make contact and find out how she is doing. J’s transition was by choice and was a shock to all who love her, especially her mother.

          Beatriz, we are here, your friends the Light Beings. You are searching for this young lady in the realms of spirit and we have opened all avenues to locate her. We understand the circumstances under which she transitioned and are aware of the pain of her family and friends. We know that this has been very unsettling for J’s family.

          So you know, when we search out someone in the spirit world, we don’t really go anywhere. We just put out the call and the image of the person. If they wish to answer the call, they will come forward and manifest themselves to us. Most people do this. If they don’t, and we need to make contact or look into their personal situation, we will send out helpers who will locate them and either talk with them or at least appraise their situation and report back to us.

          J did not come forward on her own, so we search for her and find her. She is not alone and seems to be with people with whom she is familiar. We will approach her and open conversation.

          First, let us explain that the circumstances surrounding her transition (the reason why she left and the way in which she left the earth) were such that her spirit was for some time in suspension. She would have liked to immediately pass to a peaceful state, which she so longed for. But it was not quite like this initially. She went into a deep sleep. There were always people around her to attend to her until she was able to slowly come out of this. Still, she is not on solid ground here. The people who surround her are dedicated to attending to such cases of trauma. There are also other young souls who have made similar transitions very recently. They support each other, much as such a group would form on the earth plane.

          And so this is why she could not come to us when we put out the call. We approach her and open conversation. We explain that we are here upon inquiry by her mother and family. She smiles and she points to a little crown of flowers that she has made for herself and placed on her head, as if this means something to her mother. We ask her how she is doing and if she would like to say something to her family. She nods and so we are going to stand by her now and allow her to speak.

______________

          This is J. Mom I am fine, really fine. I came here in what seems like just a few minutes ago and I slept as if on a cloud. You know how it feels when you have been working hard all day and did not take one bit of rest, then you fall on the bed and it feels so soft and comfortable, you just instantly go to sleep. This is how it was for me.

          I know what I did. I was on the railroad tracks and felt the power of the train as it approached me. That is all I felt. Please know that there was no pain, no fear, no panic. I was in total peace. And the next moment I was on a soft bed, like a cloud, drifting into sleep. I am told that I slept for a long period of time, what would be like weeks or months in earth time….although it feels like just minutes to me.

          You are concerned about me and how I am doing. I knew that this would be hard for you but I want to say from my heart what I could not put into words when I was on the earth. I came to the earth by choice, but I just felt that I came at the wrong time. Everything was always so strange for me…….people, places, events that transpired in my life. It seems that people were hurtful and careless without realizing it. It is as if they acted out of the impression that they were “good and loving” but actually, they were not. They couldn’t see it and I couldn’t bear the pain of living among them, in such a hurtful environment. I remember that sometimes I would try to pretend that I was invisible. I wanted so much to make myself invisible, but I couldn’t. I was born at the wrong time in the wrong place. And I never could figure out how to blend in and make it in life. I felt like a total misfit, like I didn’t belong, even in my family. It is not that anyone (of my family) did anything to me. This is just how I was made. Can you understand? I think I was made from the start to be somewhere or someone else.

          I thought I had a good grasp of my situation when I started to speak, but I hear myself saying things that don’t totally express what I mean to say.

          I love you Mom. I love everyone. I didn’t do this to hurt anyone. I just needed to leave the earth. I realized I had a choice and I decided to exercise this choice. You don’t think about it because you are so busy living everyday, doing this and doing that. But if you stop for a moment you will realize that the world is messed up. We all try to pretend that it is not and that we are happy, or at least find some satisfaction in what we do from day to day. But that is not meaningful. It may be for some people. And maybe others are good at pretending. For me it was neither meaningful, nor worth pretending about. This is why I left. I just left.

          Where I am now is not a different place. I actually have come around to everyone. I have sat by you when you were quietly sleeping. And I sat by the house, It is like a dream. Scenes change and different people come in and out of my space. I am at one place then suddenly at another. Sometimes, I am a little girl and then I am grown up. I am watching myself sort out my life, make some sense of it so that I can move on. I am realizing that our lives are forever linked to one another and that no distance in miles, nor even in realms, can change that. This is why everything needs to be resolved somehow.

          And so I come to the most important thing I have to say to you Mom. You and Dad gave me life. You created me with love and I know that I took something from your life when I chose to transition to spirit. I am sorry. I am sorry that I did this that hurt you so deeply. I would have left sooner, but this is what kept me from doing it. And because everything needs to be resolved, I need your forgiveness.

          I ask for your forgiveness for taking my life in this way. (she cries)

          You may think I didn’t love you or I didn’t appreciate you. But I did. It is just that the pain of living just one more day in that body was so much greater than the knowing that this would be so difficult for you as my parents and family to bear.

          Just whisper to me that you forgive me, each one. I am with you and will hear your voice…………..and I will be free. These things have to be fixed, and I want to make things right. I am amazed that I can directly speak to you to ask for your forgiveness. I appreciate that I can do this now.

          I am close by always and at the same time, I am in another world. It is the same world, but you know what I said about how everyone lives a ‘pretend’ life. I just don’t relate to that. I am not talking about my family generally. It is just the world that you live in, it affects everyone.

          And yet, I realize now that this perception of reality that I had was not totally accurate. There is a lot of truth in it, but I allowed it to consume me to the point that I could no longer live in this world that I imagined I was born into. It all became like an obsession for me. And I was blinded by this to the point that I could not breathe anymore in this world. It was devoid of life! I couldn’t breathe in the world that I had created in my imagination and that I so believed was the real world. This is why I could not understand how everyone could go on pretending all was okay, even my family. I have to say that I thought something was wrong with me, but I mostly thought something was very wrong with everyone else.

          I am doing well. I meet with a group of friends and we share about our life experience as it unfolds. We are all in the process of healing. They have made me aware of my need to resolve my separation from my family. I want to forgive myself for what I did, but at the same time, I need to ask for forgiveness from you, everyone. Maybe that needs to come first, so that I can face myself. I cannot face myself for what I did. It hurts so much to know the pain I have caused you……..because I see it, and feel it. (she cries)

          You have to understand that because I had become so consumed by my distorted perception of reality, there was no room in my consciousness for me to grasp the severity of what I was about to do, the impact this would have on others, even on my spirit. It is not that I didn’t care. I just could not care really, because I was not ‘feeling’ on that level. This is why I slept for so long. Yes, the trauma of my passing was an issue, but I also had become numb inside. I didn’t feel anymore.

          I awoke to a peaceful environment. I am surrounded by very supportive and loving people who take care of me. It is not like we have to eat or sleep. But we need to bring our vibration to a level that can sustain us. Otherwise, others have to give us support, to create an environment that is nurturing for us to feel energized and alive. Right now I have one beautiful angel on one side and one on the other. They came to support me to speak to you. It’s beautiful. If they were not here, I would not be able to say very much to you. I just explain this so you know what my life is like. I am growing and gaining strength everyday.

          I am leaving you now. I would like to talk to you again. Maybe after you read my words you have something to say and then we can talk some more.

I love you.

J

_______

          Beatriz, these are the Light Beings. We are very happy that J could make this communication with her mother and her family. We are happy to have been of help. We can say to her mother that J is a lovely child and she is well cared for here.

Love,

The Light Beings

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Second Reading with J

June 8, 2014

          I reach out to the Light Beings this morning in an effort to connect with J on behalf of her family. Her twin sister recently took a photo of the dog that she and J own together. In the photo J’s face appears together with their dog. Her parents feel that this may be J’s way of conveying a message to them. They open this communication in an effort to acknowledge J and to receive her message. I ask the Light Beings for their assistance in locating J in the realms of spirit and conveying this request on behalf of her family.

          Beatriz, we are here the Light Beings and we understand the request you make on behalf of J’s family. We search the realms to find her and can say that we are happily re-united with this lovely young lady. She greets us with a smile and a “Hi” with the wave of the hand. She looks bright and she brings with her a few friends. She cradles them in her hands. She wants you to know that she has pets whose company she enjoys in the spiritual world. She is open and ready to make this communication. Today she comes by herself, although her guides are nearby. She is more grounded and sure of herself than the last time we spoke. We convey your message to her on behalf of her family and she nods and steps up to speak. Here she is.

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          Hi, this is J. Thank you for finding me this morning. I tell my parents all the time that they can communicate with me directly, but I don’t think they believe me. I appreciate that you make yourself available to us in this way.

          The last time we spoke I was still trying to sort out my transition and my act of rebellion in choosing to destroy my body. I must confess that I had a very distorted idea of what it meant to commit suicide. I thought it was a simple choice that came with the benefit of escaping what I perceived was a type of “hell on earth”. In fact, for anyone contemplating suicide, I would say that this is the farthest thing from the truth. No one could have convinced me of this at the time. And this may have little impact on others, but I have to say it because if I had known what I know now, I would never have taken my life. This is what I want to convey to my family. (she cries)

          It was a mistake. I could not quite grasp this the last time we spoke. But now I understand it clearly. I came into this life as J with a purpose. I chose this life knowing that I would be challenged. My course was difficult but knowing this, God in His loving mercy gave me a twin sister to help me navigate my life course without losing it. I had a supporting and loving family who tried to reach me even when I was hopelessly lost in my rebellion. My sister stood by my side. Her look sometimes penetrated right to my soul. I was so moved by her presence in my life. And at the same time, I was blinded by my resistance of this life as it unfolded for me. I chose this life…

          And then I rejected it. No one told me I had chosen this life and that this was not a curse. I didn’t understand that all that was happening to me was just to help me to define myself and to find my purpose. I felt myself up against the world. No, I felt up against the cruelness of the world. This is all I could see.

          It hurts me to look back at the person I had become. And I know too Beatriz that you feel the tension. It courses through me and makes me shudder as I speak it. But, please bear with me as I need to say this. I came with a purpose and I had the perfect support system around me, my family. They did not fail me. I failed myself. Please know this. I am aware that everyone has gone through this “self blame” for what I did. But I take full responsibility. If you keep blaming yourselves, it holds me back….and it holds you back. We need to move on with our lives. I need to start anew. I need to have the opportunity to ease back into this state of consciousness that I so rejected in the past, and I need to face this with dignity and not take my life. I need this freedom and I ask it from you. Please forgive me. And please forgive yourselves and let me go.

          We are always together and I will continue to live in your hearts as you in mine. But we need to put a complete closure to this life of J and move on. This also holds for you a valuable lesson that needs to be embraced. We all have played our part in this story and now the story has come to an end. We take what we learned and move on. We never forget the story and our part in it, nor each other, but we must leave the stage and go on with life.

          Here in the spiritual world I have come to learn much about life and why we are born and die, why we have opportunities to learn the same lessons in different ways until we can grasp them. I have learned about acceptance and about forgiveness. I am ready to take on the challenges of life and succeed. Please release me.

          I would like to do a small memorial service together with you. Please come with me to a park. Let’s plant a tree together…for me and for you. Bring flowers. Gather around and I will join you. You will feel me there because we will do this ceremony together. It is the ceremony of love and forgiveness. I will be there for you and you will be there for me. It is our last goodbye. (she cries)

          No matter what, we need to release each other. We accept, “okay, this happened. We wish it had not happened, but it did. J is gone from earth and she needs to move on with her life. We forgive her and we forgive ourselves. We love J and we know that she loves us (because I do!)”

          I come to be around you all the time. The photo just captured me by chance that time, but I am with you always.

I love you.

J

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          Beatriz, these are the Light Beings. We see that all went well with J’s communication. It is a simple, but loving message. We are pleased to have witnessed this encounter of J and the sharing of her wisdom and love with her family. She left with a smile and a gentle bow, then a “Bye” with the wave of her hand. She is a lovely young lady indeed.

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Forgiveness: Portraits of Reconciliation

New York Times Magazine APRIL 4, 2014

     Photographs by Pieter Hugo

     Text by Susan Dominus

     20 years after the genocide in Rwanda, reconciliation still happens one encounter at a time.

François Sinzikiramuka, perpetrator (left); Christophe Karorero, survivor.

          Last month, the photographer Pieter Hugo went to southern Rwanda, two decades after nearly a million people were killed during the country’s genocide, and captured a series of unlikely, almost unthinkable tableaus. In one, a woman rests her hand on the shoulder of the man who killed her father and brothers. In another, a woman poses with a casually reclining man who looted her property and whose father helped murder her husband and children. In many of these photos, there is little evident warmth between the pairs, and yet there they are, together. In each, the perpetrator is a Hutu who was granted pardon by the Tutsi survivor of his crime.

          The people who agreed to be photographed are part of a continuing national effort toward reconciliation and worked closely with AMI (Association Modeste et Innocent), a nonprofit organization. In AMI’s program, small groups of Hutus and Tutsis are counseled over many months, culminating in the perpetrator’s formal request for forgiveness. If forgiveness is granted by the survivor, the perpetrator and his family and friends typically bring a basket of offerings, usually food and sorghum or banana beer. The accord is sealed with song and dance.

          The photographs on the following pages are a small selection of a larger body on display — outdoors, in large format — starting this month in The Hague. The series was commissioned by Creative Court, an arts organization based there, as part of “Rwanda 20 Years,” a program exploring the theme of forgiveness. The images will eventually be shown at memorials and churches in Rwanda.

          At the photo shoots, Hugo said, the relationships between the victims and the perpetrators varied widely. Some pairs showed up and sat easily together, chatting about village gossip. Others arrived willing to be photographed but unable to go much further. “There’s clearly different degrees of forgiveness,” Hugo said. “In the photographs, the distance or closeness you see is pretty accurate.”

          In interviews conducted by AMI and Creative Court for the project, the subjects spoke of the pardoning process as an important step toward improving their lives. “These people can’t go anywhere else — they have to make peace,” Hugo explained. “Forgiveness is not born out of some airy-fairy sense of benevolence. It’s more out of a survival instinct.” Yet the practical necessity of reconciliation does not detract from the emotional strength required of these Rwandans to forge it — or to be photographed, for that matter, side by side.

          Sinzikiramuka, Perpetrator (opening image, left): “I asked him for forgiveness because his brother was killed in my presence. He asked me why I pleaded guilty, and I replied that I did it as someone who witnessed this crime but who was unable to save anybody. It was the order from authorities. I let him know who the killers were, and the killers also asked him for pardon.”

          Karorero, Survivor: “Sometimes justice does not give someone a satisfactory answer — cases are subject to corruption. But when it comes to forgiveness willingly granted, one is satisfied once and for all. When someone is full of anger, he can lose his mind. But when I granted forgiveness, I felt my mind at rest.”

To see more portraits of reconciliation in Rwanda, click here:

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/04/06/magazine/06-pieter-hugo-rwanda-portraits.html?_r=2

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Animal Communicator, Anna Breytenbach and the Black Leopard

          We are created to live in harmony within, with others and with our environment. Animals are the most prominent and substantial beings in our environment who offer us the opportunity to experience a deeper oneness with nature. Pets share our living and working environments and we enjoy their loyalty, companionship and beauty. Through our interaction with them, we learn to love and to receive love. They fill gaps within our hearts and lives and sometimes help us to heal the gaping wounds left behind from painful life experiences. We are ever grateful for the presence of these majestic animals, be they small or large.

          A friend recently introduced me to this video that captures a beautiful encounter between Anna Breytenbach and a black leopard. Anna is an animal communicator and you can learn more about her work from her website: www.animalspirit.org This video is a short clip of a longer documentary of her work with animals. This profound movie can be purchased through her website.

          I share this story on my website because it teaches us so much about ourselves and the world we live in. Through understanding, acceptance and love we can heal ourselves and others, including animals. Also, we have many teachers in our lifetime who provide us with wisdom and understanding and who open our hearts that we may love. This black leopard and his caring heart in the midst of so much abuse and neglect has become one of my teachers.

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My Conversation with Mother Teresa

by Beatriz Gonzales

Introduction

          Mother Teresa is one of my favorite people in the world. Since my years in college, I have read her books and much of what has been written about Mother. Her life of service to others made a huge impact on me. So much of what I have accomplished in my lifetime has been inspired by her work.

          In September 2007, Time magazine featured her on the cover and wrote extensively about her inability to feel “the presence of God in her life”. I was shocked to discover this part of her life that I never knew and could hardly imagine.

          The author, David Van Biema, writes about Mother Teresa’s agony at feeling cut off from God:

          "That absence seems to have started at almost precisely the time she began tending the poor and dying in Calcutta, and - except for a five-week break in 1959 - never abated.

          Although perpetually cheery in public, the Teresa of the letters lived in a state of deep and abiding spiritual pain.

          In more than 40 communications, many of which have never before been published, she bemoans the ‘dryness,’ ‘darkness,’ ‘loneliness’ and ‘torture’ she is undergoing.

          She compares the experience to hell and at one point says it has driven her to doubt the existence of heaven and even of God. She is acutely aware of the discrepancy between her inner state and her public demeanor. ‘The smile,’ she writes, is ‘a mask’ or ‘a cloak that covers everything.’ "

He later writes:

          Teresa told her nuns that physical poverty ensured empathy in ‘giving themselves’ to the suffering poor and established a stronger bond with Christ’s redemptive agony. She wrote in 1951 that the Passion was the only aspect of Jesus’ life that she was interested in sharing: ‘I want to…drink ONLY (her emphasis) from His chalice of pain.’

Her written prayer to Jesus:

          Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love - and now become as the most hated one - the one - You have thrown away as unwanted - unloved. I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer - no One on Whom I can cling - no, No One --Alone.

          After I read Mother Teresa’s article, I carried her story in my heart for days. I could not imagine how someone who had given so much to the world, could not feel the presence of God in her life. And this was not just “someone”. It was Mother Teresa! On a cool November morning, just a few weeks later, I was finishing my meditation when she gently moved into my quiet space. How bright and lovely she looked. It was nothing like the Mother Teresa of the Time article. I was uplifted as my heart had been so heavy since I had read that article. And this is what led to our conversation below:

My Conversation with Mother Teresa

November 7, 2007

          Mother Teresa, I have read of your personal writings, and the pain you suffered at not being able to experience the presence of God in your life for long periods of time. Can you share with me your insights on this issue? I want to understand it because there was a time when I too upheld suffering as somewhat noble, but it didn’t bring me closer to God. Looking at your face on the cover of Time, I am struck by your expression of sadness.

          Yes, Beatriz, this is Mother and I am so pleased to be here with you in your little office. What a bright place this is, and how moved I am that you seek me out, for not many dare to ask me this question.

          What I wrote about my life was personal. But it is not at all “personal”. It is the state of humanity. I was like an actress. I held certain strong -such strong beliefs- that I proceeded to “act out” on the stage of life. I was the epitome of suffering. And so, naturally I was drawn to the place of most suffering—Calcutta, to act this out to the extreme. And I did.

          It is what I truly believed. I was an ignorant little village girl with dreams of accomplishing something great for God. And so, this is what unfolded for me in life.

          It was not a path into the heart of God. It was the dramatization of the lack of the presence of God in the world. I went to the place in the world where this presence of God was most absent, and so this is what I felt—the absence of God. This is what I expressed in my writings. It is not surprising. Is it?

          God is not withholding himself from us. He is not withholding himself from those who suffer. It is just that those who create suffering do so because they cannot feel God. They are what is“not God”. And that is pain and emptiness. I was swimming in this pain. I was this pain. And I hoped that this pain would bring me into the heart of God. But it was just pain and emptiness. How could I possibly experience anything else, and how could this possibly bring me to God?

          I have moved beyond this life experience on earth. I am pleased with my work with the poor and with many aspects of my life on earth. But my life was one of contradictions. On the one hand I accomplished great things by serving the poor and by bringing comfort to the suffering. On the other hand, I too was creating pain. In my ignorance, I sought it out and I made more of it. Deep down within me I held “suffering” as noble, as a path to sharing “the cross” with Jesus. Even my perception of Jesus was distorted. I grew up in a very religious environment that focused on the “suffering Jesus” more than on the living Christ that is our nature. I latched on to this concept and through this hoped to access God.

          Once I transitioned to spirit, I came face to face with what I had created, what had evolved out of my “little village girl” consciousness and it is not who I truly am.

          I let go of that little village girl and her simple dreams of achieving holiness through suffering. I realized that much of my work had served to feed that little girl and her distorted dreams, misguided beliefs and ideas. And that was the last I saw of “Mother Teresa” as you knew her in life. That role I lived out on earth ended.

          I live with God. It is me. I have come to know me as Divine, and I know these are the deepest words that I can share with you my dear friend. I am the embodiment of God, as are you and every living being in the universe. This is all that matters: Very simply, we are God. I am grateful that you have sought me out today and that we have shared this time.

Mother, may I share this with others?

          Please share this with your friends. I am delighted that it means something to you.

Peace.

* * * * *

Video with Gregg Braden on dissolving Bladder Cancer in less than 3 minutes using The Language of Emotion

Posted September 26, 2013

Originally posted by Jean Haines

          "I published this post a long time ago, but I see it’s coming around again. Let me say, Western medicine can’t ‘hear’ this! They do not understand this kind of thinking! In my own healing process, I cured myself of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome – both of them ‘energy’ diseases which are the result of our unconscious abuse of our energy body. I observed what was going on and was able to stop that process in a very simple way, and when I tried to tell them at UNC, Chapel Hill in a department that had to do with spirituality and medicine, I gave up: They told me they’d already developed their own double blind studies – all totally unnecessary, but they simply couldn’t ‘hear’ me, because I think they are totally enthralled to the concepts of Western medicine."

          "What I think Gregg doesn’t say here – I can’t remember – but he does say it elsewhere is that this woman was also schooled before this event to understand the emotional issues and attitudes which she had that caused the cancer to begin with. This is to my way of thinking very responsible healing. Everything in us – spirit, mind, body — is all interconnected! Do we want people running around in healthy bodies who have not healed their souls? Disease is a result of blocked energy, trauma that we are holding energetically in our bodies, and it manifests differently in different people. Western medicine sees everything in isolation, though, and they simply cannot hear what Gregg says, or what I tried to share at UNC. I know I’m making a very strong statement here, but it is my opinion that as we move forward and begin to better understand the causes of disease, healing disease without also removing its basic cause is spiritually irresponsible. I see it as tantamount to playing God."

* * * * *

          Gregg Braden presents a video showing cancer being cured (transformed really) in less than 3 minutes using a specific language of emotion. This specific ‘language of emotion’ can be created within all of us and anyone can learn it, By properly FEELING this e-motion within us with the intention ‘as if it has already happened’, we are able to mirror the expectation to this intelligent field that is all around us.

          These clips are from a presentation called “Language of the Divine Matrix” recorded in Italy, May 30th 2007. During the video you will see the screen hidden at times but you are not missing anything since that entire part is shown right before, as you will see for yourselves. In this video the patient with the bladder cancer AND the three trained practitioners BOTH 1) believe this will take place and 2) expect that ‘it has already happened’.

          (The video tape shown during Gregg’s live presentation was recorded at the Huaxia Zhineng Qigong Clinic and Training Center, the “medicineless hospital” in the city of Qinhuangdao, China.)

* * * * *

India.Arie - I Am Light (Lyric Video)

Living in the Light

posted September 18, 2013

          This conversation is with M, the cousin of a friend. He died suddenly in 2012 of a brain aneurysm. He was in his early 50’s and had recently married for the first time. He was the eldest of two children. His sister H, died of cancer when she was in her 30’s. Neither one had children. Both M and his sister grew up in an atheistic family, believing that death was the end and expecting nothing beyond this existence. The following are excerpts from this conversation with M who is accompanied by his sister.

* * * * *

          I reach out to the Light Beings this morning on behalf of my friend who is inquiring about her cousin, M who recently transitioned to spirit. We would like to visit with him today or at least understand his situation in spirit.

          Beatriz, we are here, your friends the Light Beings and who do we have with us but M! He is pleased to be here and to know that his cousin is calling for him. “I may have been shy in my life, but now I am able to express my true self,” he says. He is rather animated and almost giddy. We can see that he is able to carry on this communication with you and so we will bow out. We are here if he needs us.

* * * * *

          This is M. I am here with my sister. You didn’t ask for her but we are very close. We don’t see our early transition to spirit as something tragic, but more as the unfolding of our destiny. For us this was a joyful reunion. Naturally we are sad for our parents who still grieve both of our deaths. But within this is an important lesson for them, a time of letting go and surrender.

          Our families (yours and mine) chose to pass through this lifetime to resolve family relationships. Other families have an abundance of children and grandchildren. But we were struggling just to get married and stay married. If we succeeded in marriage, we were then faced with the inability to conceive. And yet, through these challenging family relationships we could find ourselves.

          I did. It may appear to be tragic that I died shortly after I married, but my marriage was just a little extra experience, my gift to myself before leaving the physical world. I was tormented by so many ridiculous phobias about relationships when I was growing up. I was almost crippled by this. At some point I moved beyond my limited self-perception and ventured into a meaningful relationship. It may have been at the end of my life, but I did it!

Question: M, you did not believe in God during your physical life. Do you feel the same now or has anything changed since you transitioned?

          I didn’t have a religious life and was considered an “atheist.” This was my upbringing. It was not about religion or dogma, but the lack of awareness of my spiritual nature. At the time I didn’t know what was missing in my life. It is only now that I have transitioned that I understand this.

          It is as if I lived my physical life hobbling on one leg. It’s not that I didn’t have two legs that worked perfectly fine, but that I was never told I had two. And so I hobbled on the only one I was led to believe I had. You may find this odd, but look around you. How many people believe themselves to be “worthless” and proceed to live out of this belief in spite of the fact that they are loving beings worth more than all the treasures in the world?

          My parents didn’t know God and so could not convey this knowing to me. As created beings we have an inherent desire, a need to seek out and align ourselves with our Creator. It is how we know ourselves. I honor my parents for they are loving and true. They were just incapable of offering me the doorway to God. In the absence of this, I saw my parents as my “creators” and as a child adored and worshiped them. This childhood admiration of my parents turned into despair as I matured and discovered my parents’ limitations. Without a vision of a life beyond this imperfect existence, I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore and this filled me with fear.

          It is not only about knowing that God is our Creator, but of living out from this sense of self as infinite.

(he cries and is silent)

          It is not that I cry because I have regrets. It is that I am deeply moved by God's love which is vast and deep, so all-embracing. Upon passing, H and I could choose to stay in the barren space of our physical life, or we could move beyond to a new world that unfolded for us. It’s not what our parents taught us. It’s not what they live. It’s not what we lived. We are greater than anyone around us could possibly convey.

          When I passed to the spirit world, I came with a heavy heart. I was afraid that I would be nothing upon death. I felt that I had accomplished very little in my lifetime, and could not see the purpose of my life. What was the point of life? What was the point of death? These questions filled me with fear.

Upon my arrival here, there was no judgment. Initially, there was no one but me with myself.

          All the beliefs about myself and the world around me were held together with the denial of God and of any form of life beyond death. Upon dying to the physical world, something totally unexpected unfolded before me. I stood before a world that was totally alive, so different from anything I had known. I had no point of reference to comprehend what was playing our before me. I was struck by the realization that I was very much alive. And yet, I hesitated. It was all so alien to me and I would have missed it altogether had it not been for my sister H who took my hand. I was calmed by her presence and the knowledge that she too had discovered this world and was already a part of it.

          This is when I made my choice to let go of the beliefs that held me suspended in fear and to surrender to this new life that beckoned me. I have to admit that part of my initial hesitation had to do with my love for my parents. I felt that to accept what was before me would be to deny them. I didn’t want to forsake them.

          I was embraced by God. I had never known such love in my physical life. I was struck by the most intense comfort and joy. I cried out the fears and sorrows of my lifetime and emerged with a new sense of self. My sister had gone through a similar experience. I know that we had many opportunities in our lifetime to seek out the truth of who we are and to move out of the limited perceptions of our parents, but we just didn’t. It’s as if my parents, having the whole world before them, chose to live in a closet. And we chose to share this space with them.

Question: Why did you not seek out other truths?

          I was very loyal to my parents and believed what I was told absolutely. In my simple devotion to my parents, I didn't seek. And in times of doubt I questioned myself instead of my beliefs.

          The good news is that H and I have made peace with our upbringing and with our parents. We stand ready to greet them both when they transition. We will be there to support them to awaken to their truth. We are excited about this for we can see that our parents have suffered much longer than us. We were blessed with short lives. Our parents were loving, but the most essential aspect of life was missing……..the knowledge and experience of God as our Father, and with it the knowledge of ourselves as infinite.

          My cousin, you broke away from the family and went your own course. You moved to another country. Maybe you don’t see it in yourself, but we see that you had so much courage to break away from the family and seek. Our hope is to facilitate to our family this new understanding of who we are. It is really the shedding of the distorted perceptions and beliefs that is most challenging. For once we do this, we discover that we had everything within us all along. We just didn’t know it.

          We want you to know that we are here to support you and we appreciate that you have reached out to us. This is beautiful as we see it from this side—that someone can extend themselves to us from the physical realm. It is almost inconceivable to most people on the earth, I am sure. But here you are, and here we are, just a breath away!

          We bid you good-bye our dear cousin and friend.

* * * * *

Living in the Light

posted August 5, 2013

The following conversation involves G who died recently of abdominal cancer. She shares about self-hostility and its impact on her physical body.

* * * * *

Conversation with G

          Listen to me Beatriz for I feel that my words are coming as a whisper. I need to project myself into the realm that already seems to be moving away from me at such a pace. I am learning to navigate through this transition still. I am not quite in this world of spirit, but no longer in the physical realm.

          I first wish to extend my love and heart to my children and my husband. I love them so much and want them to know this. My love for them did not die with my body. We live on, and in truth can love from a deeper space within. It’s difficult to put into words, but so felt. To my friend who lives far away, I want her to know that now there are no miles separating us.

          Do you have a question for me?

          Yes. G my question is about your transition experience and also about cancer and any insights that you might have, now that you have transitioned, that relate with the expression of this disease in your physical body.

          I will express what I understand so far. Let me tell you first about my transition experience. There was no pain. Maybe there is pain upon passing but immediately upon dying to the physical world, one is embraced by so much light and love which fills the spiritual senses, that the physical experience is almost erased from memory. It is but a faint image that has no bearing on the moment. What I do remember is all the love that surrounded me in the last weeks and months before my passing, the care of those who attended to me and the angels who frequently surrounded me, although I tried to push them away. I was resisting my passing to the end. I felt that to embrace my dying was to betray my husband and children and so I didn’t allow myself to stay in this light that frequently covered me with comfort and hope.

          I wish that I had a grasp of what happened in my physical life and where I missed the point. I am coming to grips with this now through the help of my spiritual guides, but it is still something that eludes me. It has to do with hostility toward self and others. This is one hurdle that proved to be more than I could overcome: self hostility. I had anger about what unfolded in my life from childhood, but that anger would have been benign had I not turned it against myself. One does this when anger is toward a parent. I love my mother and did not want to direct this anger at her. It was so confusing really. It is the dilemma of the child who grows up with abusive parents. There is the natural desire to express filial piety mixed with pain and anger. I held that anger within me for too long…………and it became like a dagger into my heart. I did it to myself although at the time I could not see it. Now I am working through this. Why it’s difficult to put into words is that, as you can see, this is something I am just awakening to.

          Even if someone hinted that I brought this illness upon myself, I would deny it and push it away. But here it is, and I am laying it out to you as clearly as I understand it right now………….even just as I become aware of it.

          I would like to say more, but the light beings signal me that I am reaching the limit of my abilities to communicate. They will talk to you.

          Thank you, Beatriz, for listening to me.

_______________________

          Beatriz, these are the Light Beings. We greet you with joy and love this morning. We see that you are feeling tightness in your back. Your friend, G has carried a big burden through this lifetime and still has not totally released it. And so you feel the tension of this hold that she still has to her physical life which is no more.

          She is moving through the necessary stages of awareness. She can take only small bits of what is there for her to digest, but there is no hurry. She is in good spirits and still flying high on the love and support she continues to receive from her family and friends. She needs that right now more than ever. And we are here to help her also.

     We are glad to greet you Beatriz and to bring to you this fine person, G.

Love,

The Light Beings

* * * * *

Living in the Light

posted July 29, 2013

          This page contains the compilation of conversations with people who have transitioned to spirit. Some are my personal friends, but many are caring souls who wish to share their insights and lessons learned through their transition experience. Most of my friends are people like you and me who lived simple lives on earth.

          I introduce to you my friend U. She transitioned to spirit just seven months ago after a long illness. U is a gentle soul who deeply cares about others, and naturally gives of herself to anyone in need. Her life on earth was not an easy one, but she always had a smile to give. Even in the last few weeks of her life, I tried hard to contain my shock about her situation, but she remained calm and re-assuring. I spoke with her ten days after she transitioned. I share with you these excerpts of our conversation.

* * * * *

          This is U. I am here in the spiritual world now. I took a breath in while in the physical realm and then my out breath was already on this side. How quickly it all went…….just a smooth transition. I have to say that I am very relieved to have made this transition. I was ready for it even though I didn’t realize it quite like that. I was afraid that I had not fulfilled my purpose in this lifetime on earth, and that I would be judged before the court of God.

          The truth is that there is no court here and not one person had anything to say against me. I am so embarrassed by my small thinking.

          What happened is that I was immediately embraced by these big loving arms of my Father, God. I was held in His arms for a long time and I cried. These are my Father’s arms, for I recognize them clearly. And this healed me.

          At the end of my life on earth, it was not just that my body was wasting away, but that I could no longer see or feel the meaning of my life. I could not remember what I might have done to make a difference in the world. And this was a source of my fear upon dying. But here, I was only loved. I was shown my heart and my tenderness. I could see that I extended my love to others in ways I never quite knew. I was just putting myself down always, never feeling worthy. But that was just little me in my little story. The real me lived on and this is all God saw. This is all God saw.

          Upon my transition, I came here and immediately I was ready for the next step. I am so eager to learn and to move ahead on my journey. The most striking thing for me has to be the feeling of “oneness”. We all speak of it and we know it intellectually, but the feeling of being one with everyone and everything is so expansive……I feel so big and infinite. This I love and it moves me to tears every day.

          How could I ever miss anyone if we are all one? I feel so connected in love with my daughter and her family, my husband and all my friends even though you are all in the physical realm. It is as if the moment I died to the physical realm, I “popped” out of a very limited consciousness into a very beautiful world. Sometimes, we look at a lovely painting and we long to just be inside of it, to be in that environment. Now, here I am, totally in this world of my dreams. It is so beautiful!

          But what is most beautiful is my experience with God, my Father. I am so in love with God. Maybe after awhile I will come down from this cloud of love. But for now, this is where you have found me!

U.

* * * * *

We are not alone: The presence of light beings

posted July 14, 2013

          As sons and daughters of God, we are graced by our Creator’s love and radiance, and embraced and nurtured by the universe. Everything we need is for the asking. We have not known this and so have thought ourselves to be little, lacking and alone.

          The truth is that we are not only loved, but we are loved immensely! We are surrounded by light beings who wish us to know that they are here to support us and to light our way out of whatever darkness we may have imagined and confined ourselves and others to. These light beings may be nature spirits who tend to the earth, angels, guardian spirits, friends and relatives who have transitioned, or universal light beings of good will. Jesus comes often. Until now we may have not felt or seen their presence with us, but that is all changing. Cameras are now capturing life just beyond the third dimension and the perception of our physical senses.

          Know that you are not alone. Help in the form of wisdom and understanding, moral support and comfort is available to you. The world of spirit honors our free will and thus supports our sincere efforts and desires to deepen our self-awareness and love of self and other selves only when we ask.

          In this section we are featuring four photos which reveal the presence of light beings in the form of orbs. Each photo has a brief introduction. My hope is that your heart will be lifted by the messages that these photos convey, and that you will know that you are loved!

* * * * *

          In 2003, Wayne Rutledge was on an overseas security assignment when his team, which had gone ahead of him, was ambushed and killed. On the second anniversary of their death in 2005, Wayne lit a candle and prayed for them in a church. He was inspired to light another candle and pray for all those who had made this ultimate sacrifice. He told them that later that evening he would be working outside and invited them to come and visit. At midnight, Wayne started to take photos and a few orbs showed up. As he extended his invitation to all those for whom he had prayed earlier, more orbs appeared. He held out his arms and took this photograph with them.

     Photo submitted by Wayne Rutledge, October 2005, Louisiana

     This photo was taken in September 2005 during an evening labyrinth walk in New York, and captures the guardian spirits of the participants in the event.

Photo submitted by Gillian Corcoran

Living in the Light

          Our sense of self and the world around us is limited by our three-dimensional life experience. In truth, we are infinite beings of light who transcend this seemingly solid world. Many of us have caught glimpses of this essence of light that we are. Sadly, with time and the stresses of everyday life, these insights into our nature tend to fade away from us.

          I share with you here two conversations that I had with friends who have transitioned to spirit. I feel very fortunate to have had near-death experiences (NDE) as they awakened me to the knowing of ourselves as light. When my friends transitioned to spirit, I discovered that I could communicate with them and have recorded many of these conversations. I also have conversations with others in spirit who want to share their experience upon passing as a way to support us.

* * * * *

          (Amy is a child who transitioned at the age of nine. I met Amy through this conversation. She is not someone I knew before. I begin with her insights on being because they are so poignant).

Amy

          This is Amy, and thank you for having me here. I was young in age when I transitioned, but I was very aware of everything that was going on in my life, even for being 9 years old. I died of a brain tumor. This means that I was sick for a long time (a couple of years actually). I had gone through very aggressive treatment, so my body was very weak when I passed. It took me great effort just to stay intact – body and spirit – in the last days of my life on earth. I tell you this because transitioning for me was a big liberation. I didn’t want to be in that body any more, and I didn’t have the power anyway to stay in it. My experience of dying was total liberation. I was a free child and I was flying when I came to the world of spirit.

          I came to the spiritual world looking for Heaven. Everyone had spoken to me of heaven and I looked for this beautiful place that was filled with angelic beings and fluffy clouds. It wasn’t quite like that.

          The experience of passing was so profound that I don’t think anyone in the physical world is capable of imagining it. I think that the concept of angels and Heaven that was presented to me was the closest that anyone could get to describing the spiritual world. But passing to this world of light is indescribable in human terms. It is more than what is here. The experience cannot be described.

          I became pure light and as light does, I blended with the light of other beings whether they were angels or people. And so I was embraced by intense light and love and a sense of being home. I came home.

          What is the most profound lesson I have learned since I passed? What can I offer those in the physical realm as a way to help them? This is the moment I have waited for…….to share this with you.

          The idea that we are “born” into the world is not totally accurate. I think we wake up to the physical world when we are born as babies, but we have always “been”. I realized when I transitioned that I had always been living as this light and I had this brief time on earth as this child, Amy. Even as this child, I still was light, but the physical world and my physical body were so strong, that they clouded my sense of self as light. It was when I no longer had my body that I could once again express myself fully as this light.

          We were never meant to lose our sense of light…….even on the earth. Heaven is not separate from the physical realm, only in the minds of people. Heaven is meant to be experienced in the physical realm. This is what I want to share with others. This is my message………Let your Light shine!

* * * * *

          (T is a friend of mine who transitioned several years ago after a long illness. I had this conversation with her within a day after she died).

          Hi Beatriz, this is T. I have made it to the other side. Isn’t this so amazing? I feel that I have this window open for me to make a connection with you and with my family, but at the same time, I feel that this window will close somehow, that soon I will move into another space that is not so accessible to the physical realm. I guess what I am saying is that I am still very connected to everyone on the earth, so I want to say my “good-byes”.

          T, it is good to get in touch with you and to feel your presence. How was your passing? Were you in pain at the end? Did you expect that you would pass this soon? How are you doing now?

          I would describe my passing as a “drifting” out of consciousness, out of this sense of solidness in the body to one of being free to move without its cumbersome restraints. You have to know that my body had become a great burden to me as it quickly was deteriorating. It was a surprise to me to realize how my body was leaving me. But at the same time, I went through periods recently when I was filled with exhilarating joy. I sensed that my transition was coming, mostly because of these experiences and also a sense of peace that would overtake me that is difficult to describe. Now I find myself in this space where I am surrounded only by peace, stillness…………a quietness that must only be felt on this side………….the I AM Beatriz. This is the I AM.

          I feel that I am so big, so knowing, so loving………it just must be God. I am so overwhelmed by this experience. If I could I would package it and send it immediately to (my children) that they can know the love that is there for them. How we have tried to express this love as parents to our children, and how we have fallen short of it….only because we ourselves could not access it. Do you know what I mean Beatriz? (My children) are my pride and joy. I am so grateful that I could birth them. Even my love was so lacking, they thrived on whatever they got. And I am grateful to (my husband) who made this experience of motherhood a dream come true for me. I was older when I had my children, and my health was not good. But there they were…..these beautiful healthy children! I am sad to leave this physical realm, because I feel the unbearable pain of being separated from my children physically. I want them to know that I am always by their side. My hope is that they will know it as an experience. We are all moving into uncharted waters here and our relationship will need to be re-calibrated, you could say.

          Well, there are no “pearly gates” that I have encountered yet. I am here, still here in my home. I want to be here to greet my friends as they come to see us. I want to share some of this peace that I feel with my friends. I am present here for them. Beatriz, I always so wished that I could offer something to others, to facilitate God to them. Now here I am. You want to experience God, come to my home. Bring flowers from your garden. I will be so delighted that my home is filled with such love and beauty. I want to lift you into this space of love and peace as my way of saying “good-bye”.

          To answer your question, I was not in pain when I passed. I was lifted from my body long before I breathed my last breath on earth. I think that at a certain point, the body just cannot contain the spirit and so I lifted out of it. There was no fear……..just surrender. I surrendered my life to God. And that is what triggered a most beautiful experience of passing into a new life. This is where I am now. As I said, I feel that I will soon move on, but right now, I am still here close to the earth and to everyone. It’s an amazing experience. It makes me even a little shy that everyone is so focused on me. But this is how it is.

          Beatriz, I will say good bye to you now. I love you my dear sister. You touched me deeply so many times. Even as I reflect on my experience in the moment, I honor you, as I know that I could be here because you gave me so much. My “Aha!” moment came that day at the retreat at C’s when I realized we are the “I AM”. That was several years ago, and I have to say, that was a major turning point in my life. It is as if I was going in one direction, and then suddenly I was turned around and literally moving in the opposite direction. I was reborn through this realization of the meaning of I AM.

          T, I am glad to know that I could share something of value to you in your course in life. You are a precious woman, mother and sister. I am sure that (your husband) would say you are a precious wife. We honor you and bid you farewell on this day of your Ascension.

          Wait, Beatriz, don’t go yet. Let me say good-bye to the B family who so lovingly took me in and cared for me. I am so deeply moved by their love, and their depth of caring. Let me give a big embrace to the whole family. This was so healing for me. I feel that God gave me this experience in their home to comfort me, to show me the depth of the human heart. I needed this experience somehow before I could pass to this side. It healed me. I love them so much.

          Thank you Beatriz for taking this time with me. I am so grateful to share this time with you. And please feel free to share this with my family and friends. It is me, T.

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